I was at peace with being an openly active gay man, or so I thought. Maybe peace is the wrong word, reconciled may define my mental attitude better. My lover, Robin, and I had gone our separate ways in 1978 and it was 1980. I was looking for that special someone to complete my home, and bring intimate companionship into my lonely life. It was Thanksgiving Day and I was sitting in my almost empty favorite bar. The bartender and I were friends and we were both spending the day alone. I had met a guy a couple months earlier and we had "sparked". But, he was out of town for the holiday visiting his family.
The conversation with the bartender and the few other men in the bar turned to religion. I mentioned that I was a member of Metropolitan Community Church of the Resurrection, the only gay church in Houston at that time. Like many in my generation my parents sent me to Sunday school as a kid. My father claimed to be an atheist and my mother, was a non-practicing Christian. Therefore, my home life was not exactly Christ centered. It was a United Presbyterian Church that taught all the cute Bible stories, church history, and a lot about Knox, Calvin, and etc. but nothing about the power that goes with faith in Christ. When Robin and I broke up I sought the comfort of religion and joined MCCR. Anyway, the talk turned to Christ and what He taught. My bartender friend said, "If I believed that I would not be sitting here". All conversation stopped and I moved off by myself and a thought came into my mind "Why are you sitting here? Is your lifestyle ok with God?" I had bought into gay theology and was living my way, not God's way. So, I thought, well, I will ask Him.
Be careful what you pray for, and be ready to receive and move on the answer. I prayed in that bar a very specific prayer and asked for a very specific answer. The prayer was something like this: "God if my lifestyle is outside your will, then don't allow me to see my boyfriend when he returns." It was a year and half before I saw the guy again. He refused to return my phone calls, or answer the door when I showed up at his apartment. As I said, be prepared for God's answer. I was not expecting the answer I received and refused to accept it. From that day forward my happy gay life fell apart. My friends ignored and avoided me. I was a good-looking guy for a man of 38 and I could not understand what was going on.
In 1981 I started attending First Baptist Church of Houston in search of the truth of Scripture and a way to leave the life I lived. That was a total disaster and I returned to my old routine, this time in the bottom of a bottle. I sought comfort in sexual activity in the baths, and tackier bars. That is maybe when I was infected with HIV. Although I did have really bad periods of depression later, when I acted out in inappropriate ways in inappropriate places. On June 28, 1983, my 40th birthday, I made the total commitment to change. I celebrated that birthday in my favorite bar, told my friends I was going straight, and left gay life behind. I again started attending Baptist churches learning what it meant to be a Christian and how to live in the power of His Spirit. I moved from church to church seeking relationships to replace old ones, to no avail. But, that is another story.
Heterosexuals cannot imagine the changes that must take place to change sexual identity and preference. And that is where the Holy Spirit's power comes into my story. He had to show me where my attitudes and concepts were twisted and then I had to allow Him access to alter them. His loving and consistent prodding brought me to my knees in subjugation to His truth. And over the years that followed I lost my gay identity and found my true identity as a heterosexual male in Christ. I was carrying a lot of baggage that needed to be unpacked, examined, brought into the light of Christ and then burned. Memories had to be cleansed through forgiveness, and obedience. I had to forgive myself for things done and thought, as well as forgive others for the pain they had brought into my life.
My charismatic friends do not see this as being a significant work of the Spirit, because it was not accompanied with flashes of lightening and tongues and all the spectacular signs they like to dwell on. But, only the Spirit of our Living God has the power to reveal the festering sores that have to be opened, brought into the light of Christ, allowed to heal; heal without scares that leave ongoing bitterness and anger.
Have you ever seen the movie Exodus? There is a scene where the American nurse is working in an internment camp. She comes upon a man who is opening the blisters of impetigo and she stops him. She tells the man, who is a doctor, that this is the wrong treatment. He gently tells her that minus the proper medicine, the only way to treat impetigo is to open the blister and expose the skin to the light of the sun. That is what happened to me. I had to allow the blisters to be opened and exposed to the light of the Son. The only light that can heal any life dominating sin.
You see for some homosexuality, at it roots, is not a sexual problem; it is a relational dysfunction. And just as the desires come with dysfunctional childhood relationships; so to heal we have to first deal with the dysfunction, and the healing will come. As we deal with and allow the truth of Christ to break the blisters so they can be exposed to His light, we learn to deal with the other issues that keep us in bondage. I wish leaving gay life was as easy as just saying "no". If it were that easy, there would not be a significant number of gay men or lesbian women around. I do not know of a single homosexual who willing accepted the desires to be gay. I fought them for many years before I gave in. And I fought them for many years after 1983 until I gained the knowledge and the power to step onto the narrow path that leads to freedom in Christ Jesus Our Lord and the power of His Spirit to receive the healing knowledge and tools to walk that path. I do not expect any heterosexual to understand this; I just pray that those involved with ministry would accept it as true, and then minister to the whole person, not just his or her sexuality.
Many uninformed Christians have heard part of this story and rejected it out of hand, as the maniacal ranting of a man looking to blame someone other than himself for a life of sin. I am not assigning blame; I am facing the reality of where my desires come from.
"Jesus therefore was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, "If you abide in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:31-32 NAS
Part of the truth of leaving life dominating sin, is our perceived truths, which in reality are lies; lies we accept as truth and fact from as early as 2 or 3 years of age. And those are the lies that make the journey out of gay life so difficult and painful.
Isaiah 40:31
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.
